QUTARDlM (FINISHED....not really)

With a very heavy heart I arrived home to Folsom California on June 1. I had just finished 20 months of Peace Corps Service in Azerbaijan. I didn't want to leave,! I worked with the most wonderful students in Sheki. They wanted to learn and were willing to share their dreams with me. They taught me much. I believe they will grow up and improve their country. I had a wonderful counterpart who had great ideas and was also open to hearing about ideas from the students. She welcomed me and helped me to know that Azerbaijan was my home. And, I hit the jackpot with the best Peace Corps staff. They worked very hard to support us, push us to do our very best and make us feel like they had our backs. So I left after only 20 months... not because I wanted to, but because of circumstances out of mine and Peace Corps control. And at least for me, Peace Corps did everything possible to make this painful, early leaving process as easy as possible. I am so grateful.

When I arrived home, there were about 30 people waiting at the airport to greet me. I was shocked and so happy to see people, to hug them, see kids older and just be "home." Peace Corps has been kind enough to give my sector the opportunity to transfer to another country. And so I will be going to the Philippines. I have completed 47 months of Peace Corps service and yet have not finished one full tour of service. (although PC has been kind enough to give us our R's") So after a week of being home, my transfer was approved. All I had to do then was to enjoy a month in California. I was able to see people, play with kids, go to 4 movies, Ride roller coaster, go in the ocean, swim daily, eat great food and catch up on sleep. I really did have a great month. 

But there was that little thing of reverse culture shock. I thought that after doing this once before I may be immune to reverse culture shock. WRONG. I struggled... again. I was sad to leave Azerbaijan early and just wanted to talk about the 20 month experience... all the good and the bad. But as I seemed to forget from last time, it wasnt just my life that moved on. Everyone at home... their life moved on also. I was at times the relative who comes over and wants to show you 500 pictures of their vacation and share each one in vivid detail. Pretty quick, for some people I would notice eyes glazing over and very understandably wanting to move on. And I get it. They've had life happen to them too... good and bad. I get it!!! But unfortunately to move on, I needed to talk... and I needed people to listen. 

I was very blessed. There were some very wonderful people who listened, looked me in the eye and asked great questions. And then they honored me by answering my questions about what has happened in their lives... in their family's lives. And that has been..... so wonderful. To all those people, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! And to the Staffords... words can not express my heart to your generosity and kindness through the years. Love ya.

Im sitting in a hotel in Los Angeles with about 10 minutes to go before the staging begins for the Philippines. I'm so excited to be able to serve again. But Im also sad to leave home again.... wondering a little if it will still be home when I return. Always afraid of losing the best in my life.

So to close the Azerbaijan chapter and begin the new adventure, here are some words shared by my country director from Azerbaijan. They say it all:

""Like many people who have been affected by such an experience in a distant land, I did not come all the way home; nor did I leave that experience behind. It stayed in my mind, it informed my decisions, it made me strong. To all of this, there are people who will say, "What's the point?" But those are the same people who'll say what's the point of writing a poem, or learning a language, or going for a hike, or lingering on a wooded path to watch a bird flash onto a branch.

Whenever someone asks me what I think he should do with his life, I always say, First, leave home. Get out there, where if you care to listen, you will find many other people dreaming of making connections and changing the world, just like you. The only mistake is in thinking that you will make an important difference in the lives of the people you're among. The profound difference will be in you." Paul Theroux on the Peace Corps"

My last blog in Azerbaijan.

I’ve been here 20 months. And in many ways it seems like yesterday. I really loved being a Peace Corps Volunteer here. Yes of course, like anywhere, there were good and bad days. Days where being in the fish bowl was exhausting and the cultural differences felt insurmountable. But for every one of those days, there were 2 more that were sweet! Sweet with new friendships, both Azerbaijani and American. Sweet with different, good new foods to try. Sweet when working with/hanging out with the most amazing students. Sweet during those moments when it seemed like my service was worthwhile.

Leaving Azerbaijan is bittersweet. Sweet because of the good stuff, and bitter because it wasn’t my choice and came way too early. But regardless of that, I appreciate my time in Azerbaijan. It has changed me for the better!

What’s next? Good question. Im not entirely sure yet. Im going home in a few hours. I have been so busy here saying goodbye to Azerbaijani and Americans, finishing projects… and just finishing well that I haven’t really felt what going home means. And frankly, Im a little nervous. Im so excited to see the people I have missed so, so much. So excited to get/give hugs. So excited to catch up on your lives and share my experience in Azerbaijan. And a little nervous. This has been a huge experience for me. And while Ive been gone, everyone’s life in America whom I love… their lives have moved on as well. I have missed it… by my choice of serving in Peace Corps. And Im sad about this. I yearn to catch up… for things to be as they were. But they wont be. Everyone has changed. We all had to have changed. Life experience makes us change. And there has been 20 months of change. The dumb questions that run through my mind is: will we connect? Will it be as easy and comfortable as before? Will they still like me? Ok, its hard to admit being like a 5 year old and having those questions, but there they areJ

But with all of that, I cant wait to see you all. Azerbaijan and PC friends, I will miss for you!!! I will never forget how wonderful you are and what I will learn from you. Be safe, be well and we will talk again!! I don’t plan on this being goodbye. (technology is amazing)

And for my California friends, I have never forgotten what you all mean/have done for me, and while Im a little nervous, I cant wait because I love you all so much.

Next step… Im trying to transfer into PC Philippines. Im hoping to finish one service completely in PC J I don’t know yet if it will happen. There is one medical test I have to do… and thanks to a wonderful friend, I will do it Monday morning at 930. Thanks Brenda!!! If that doesn’t work out, than I get a job and work towards going back to schools for a masters and a teaching credential.

So, the last blog in Azerbaijan, but not the last blog. More next week

Love you guys.

Sağ olun

Going home...

I haven’t blogged in a while because I haven’t known exactly what will happen. In fact, my last blog was about uncertainty. I still don’t know exactly my future will be, but Ill share what I know.

Back last Octoberish, the YD (youth development) program’s contract here in Azerbaijan expired. The Ministry of Sport and Youth did not want to renew the contract, but Peace Corps believed that everyone in my sector may be able to finish our service. In February, PC was told that the YD’s had to leave Azerbaijan 6 months early. For me, that means June. But, PC was kind enough to help those of us who wanted to stay find a way. So, I was going to transfer into the TEFL sector. (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) My primary organization is a university, so being a TEFL under the Minister of education would be a good fit. Switching sectors was approved. And I was planning to extend a third year to work on some specific projects, which I started. The plan was to submit my name to the Minister of Education with the new group of Volunteers coming to Azerbaijan and finishing their training in June. (there were a few others in my group also choosing this route.) The day before the new group of volunteers was to begin their staging, the Ministry of Education informed Peace Corps that they would not take a new group of volunteers this year because they want to focus on reforms this year. So, they are not accepting new TEFL volunteers this year. The group was cancelled, and for those of us who were switching sectors… this was no longer an option. So, now all of the YD’s from my group must leave in June.

Im crushed. Let me tell you why. Some of it has to do with the feelings that go along with not finishing a Peace Corps service…. Again! I know that in some ways I’m being silly. I’ve worked hard at both of my services and a few things have gotten done. But there are projects that have had to be let go… they are uncompleted. I don’t like leaving things undone. But mainly, I feel really bad because I have to leave the people I work with way to early. I have been blessed to have a wonderful counterpart at the university. She welcomed me, worked with me, allowed me to express ideas and always, always encouraged me. There are things we have been working on together that won’t be done…. And I feel very bad about that because my counterpart is responsible for a lot of my success here. Another counterpart was kind enough to take me into her class and work on other projects with me… and have me in her home and make me feel welcome. There are some great teachers at the university! And then, there are the students. I have been able to work with and be friends with some amazing people. The young people I have worked with here have been very welcoming to me. They work hard and have been a pleasure to work with. I have learned far more from them than I have taught them. They’re great and I love them.

There you go. My heart is a little bit broken. It will be so hard to leave Azerbaijan… and especially the people in Sheki. But I have been blessed. I thank God for the opportunity I have had.

What’s next? Good question. The YD’s have been offered the possibility of transferring. I’m going to give it a try. I have applied to transfer to work in the Philippines. Now I have already had a few people ask me why I would do that? Well, the answer is pretty simple. I love working with kids and it would be another chance to do it full time. And, after 2 different PC countries, I just want to finish 1 program. I have not completely finished a PC tour, and that feels…bad. I want to do it right, finish projects, say goodbye at the right time, experience closure.

PC Philippines is not a done deal. There is a hold-up getting cleared through PC medical. Hopefully, that will happen soon. In the meantime, I feel like I’m in Limbo. Should I be applying for jobs online now? Hard to do yet. If I don’t get the transfer, Im leaning on going home, working and applying for graduate school for next year (too late for this year) to get a master’s in education and a teaching credential. If there is one lesson PC Lesotho and Azerbaijan has taught me, I should be working with kids.

My COS (close of service) date is June 12^th. I leave Sheki June 10 and leave the country on the 12^th. If I get into PC Philippines, I would come home and then leave for staging on July 7. If I don’t, then I’ll be home for awhile.

Either way, one thing I want my friends in California to know is that I love all of you very, very much, I miss you and can’t wait to see you all. Ill keep blogging before I leave and let you know what’s happening.

Here’s a few pics from some recent adventures. Love you!!!

Seeing Ganja for the first time.

A house made with bottles

I stayed with my friend Kevin. See what I had to put up with?

At the pilgrimage in Qax. Its an Eastern Orthodox twice a year event.

People lighting their candles on the hike up to the church

The church at the top of the hill. Some people walk barefoot up the hill which signifies an extra sacrifice. You're supposed to walk around the church 3 times saying your prayers.

Inside the church

The church from the bottom of the hill

UNCERTAINTY!

     I don't like uncertainty! Does anyone? I like to know what time I am going to work tomorrow. I like to know when my project deadlines are. I like to know when I'm going to meet up with my friends. And I always would like to know where I will be living in 4 months time.

     At this moment, I am living with uncertainty.I am a Peace Corps volunteer in the youth development sector in Azerbaijan. Last October, the youth development contract with Azerbaijan expired. The ministry here that we are under does not want to renew our contract and has asked us to leave 6 months early. I was originally supposed to leave in December. Now I have to be out of the country by June 30th.

     There may be options. The option I am pursuing is to switch to another sector. For this to happen, my current counterpart would need to fell out an application for the new sector, (she has) Peace Corps needs to support the switch, (they do) and the new ministry would need to be OK with having me under their jurisdiction. (they d...)?

     I like this option. I want to stay. I like where I live. I have a great work site with a wonderful counterpart. And most importantly, I get to work with the best youth!! I have projects to do that can only be done if I don't leave in June. There is a 3rd option. Transferring to another country...which I would do only if I can't stay here.

     This is a lot of uncertainty for me. As of July 1, what country will I be living in? What job will I be doing? For me, it's difficult to move forward in a positive way when I have no idea what my my life will be like in 4 months. To be completely honest, having little or no control is a little scary.

     But there are some things I've learned over the past 10 years or so which help:

1. I grow the most as a human being when I have little/no control. When this happens, I have a choice. I can freak out (which I have done a bit in this situation) or I can take a breath and know that no matter what happens, it will be OK.
2. Things always change. No matter how stressful, things will always, eventually change.
3. No matter what happens, God is good. He loves me no matter what and I always grow closer to Him in difficult times.

     No matter what work I do. where I live, what joys and struggles I face, home is where the heart is. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. My heart is with my friends... with the people I love and who love me no matter the circumstance.

     So, Azerbaijan.... another country... America...wherever...Life moves forward and more learning and loving awaits.

My group all together earlier this month.

The icicles melting in front of my house.

My living space.

A few people have asked about what my living space is like. Here it is.

My living space. 

The holidays in Azerbaijan.

Happy New Year!

One of the fountains in Sheki freezing over.

My first snowman

This is my washed sweatshirt after hanging outside all night... frozen!

 I hope you have all had a good start to the New Year.  I definitely missed all of you very much. Thanks so much for the Christmas packages, fb messages and Skyping. I know it’s a busy time of year and I really appreciate the time people took (and the expense with packages) to do all of those things. THANK YOU!!!

Today I was looking at the new pictures on the wall of my favorite people back home… while eating a piece of homemade jerky. Im so blessed to have such wonderful friends, but it also means that many of my favorite people are always thousands of miles away. The holiday season definitely makes that distance seem even longer and the twinge of homesickness slightly sharper.

The lights in Sheki came on about 5 days before New Years, so I’ve had a little extra spring in my step. But the holidays are always a little tricky abroad. Living in another country often feels like you’re being tugged in two totally opposite directions all the time. It’s tough balancing out how much I like living in Azerbaijan with all the people I love here…and how nice it would be to live in California near all the people I love there. The holidays are one of those times that makes it achingly obvious that there’s no clear or easy answer as to where I’d rather be.

A skinny shakta baba for New Years.

Why is the crocodile in this New Years display?

The New Year's tree in the city center.

For Thanksgiving, the American Embassy had all the  volunteers to Baku and hosted a huge dinner for us.. complete with Turkey and pumpkin pie. I was very blessed and was able to stay at the home of my new friends , one who is a teacher and one who works in the embassy. They opened their home to me and a friend, made us welcome and gave us a place to stay that was full of love…. And baconJ

This year, I shared Christmas with other PCV’s here in Sheki. It was fun, relaxing, beautiful and bittersweet. I had a huge touch of home as a friend Skyped me into the Christmas Eve service at my church. I made a tree out of paper (a big deal for me) and put my package from America under it. I loved it

My wonderful site mates hosted Christmas for alot of volunteers.

Everybody made something wonderful!

For New Years, I spent the night with my counterpart and her family. They were generous enough to share their family traditions with me and made me feel welcome!!  It was fun, relaxing, beautiful and bittersweet!!

I talked a lot about American holiday traditions with Azeri here. Sharing a tradition that’s so different also opens up fun conversations about some of the just ridiculous things about culture. Black Friday sales? Madness!! So while celebrating the holidays abroad is definitely bittersweet, it’s wonderful to sit down and recognize that even though it’s hard to live so far away from your friends, making new friends abroad and creating your own mixed-up international traditions is a great way of having a tiny piece of home with you. 

New Years at my wonderful counterparts house.

Fireworks on New Years Eve

Me and my counterpart's aunt.

HOLIDAY #2

This is my second Thanksgiving, Christmas in Azerbaijan. And... my groups one year anniversary. Its been a great year... a big roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. At times a little bit scary. But I love roller coasters and I know that when its finished, Im pumped and want to do it again.

Things I've learned so far in my first year in Azerbaijan:

1. Things will be better than you could have imagined:
There will be moments when you're sad, frustrated and alone. You think you can't stumble through another event without a public meltdown or mess up another important conversation because of your barely adequate language skills. There will be moments when you miss your friends and the ability to get a non fat peppermint mocha whenever you want it. There will be moments when you wonder why you would choose this life.

But for everyone of these experiences, you will have many more that are amazing. You will wake up to the fresh white snow making everything new. You will meet amazing people who become friends and challenge you. Your world view will expand by leaps and bounds.You will be shown kindness that will let you know that you are more than a stranger... you are welcome! You will laugh. You will be comforted in your tears. You will grow and change and become a better person.

2. I have learned how important it is to ask for help.
It's fine to ask for directions when you're on vacation... expected even.But in normal life, we tend to be pretty self-sufficient. We learn to do things like pump our own gas, eat watermelon by watching other people do it all our lives. Or failing that, searching for instructional YouTube videos. Either way, we can go it alone.

Not so much when your living in a different culture. No matter what there will be moments when you need to swallow your pride and ask for help with chores that back at home you wouldn't have blinked at. Like buying meat or hooking up the internet or washing clothes by hand for the first time. Its humbling, but you discover that asking for help when you need it is an extremely useful habit.

3. How to question the status-quo.
All those things you grew up thinking were written in stone? Forget about them. There is almost nothing you've learned that is incontestable. Everything from table manners to hygiene is culturally relevant. For example, growing up I had been taught that looking people in the eye is what you want to do. Here, I've been told its considered rude at times. Who knew? So its important to realize that all the little things you've learned that are a solid base for you, may be turned upside down. And once that happens you start to see that there are other, sometimes better ways to do things.

4. Just say yes.
There will be many times when you are completely out of your comfort zone. When you are asked to organize a camp during the hottest part of the summer... say yes. When your host family wants you to eat something that you would never eat at home...say yes. When one of your students asks you to dance with her at a huge public New Year's party, and no one else is dancing... say yes. These things will help you get out of yourself and be some of your best memories.

5.The importance of sharing a meal... or a cup of cay.
If there is enough for one, there is enough for two. Sharing a meal or cay with others can speed up your integration ten-fold.

6. Finding out the good, the bad, and the ugly about yourself.
Any bad habits that you had before that you couldn't see, come to light. Anything that makes you the person you are gets amplified. With any change in your life, you learn to adapt. And with this change you learn more clearly how your actions effect you and those around you.

I hope that I will learn as much during year 2. And I want to say thank you to all of my PCV friends here who are so supportive, fun to hang out with and make the experience a little easier. And to my friends in America, I wouldn't be here if not for you. Thanks so much.

Im going to end this post with something completely different. These are a few pictures of my walk home... a little glimpse into what Sheki looks like. If there's anything you'd like to know about, let me know. Talk to you next week
'

                                                  At the city center looking at the Mosque.

Walking past the local park

The bus stop where I can catch a bus to the university.

Water run off that I pass everyday on the way home. I love the sound of rushing water

The water tower near my house. It is a landmark that tells me its time to turn.

Getting closer.

The street my house is on.

The beginning of the last hill going home

Getting closer

Mine is the last door on the left

I live in the upstairs of a two story. The windows are my kitchen.

This is the front door.

The yard facing away from the house, toward the toilet.

The landlords live on the bottom floor to the right. The stairs are going up to my place

In Azerbaijan, you take your shoes off before entering.

Inside my kitchen. That my petch which is my heat source in the winter. My petch is my best friend right now.