Why am I here?

“Liberation of the human heart… opens us up and leads us to the discovery of our common humanity… a journey from loneliness to a love that transforms, a love that grows in and through belonging… The discovery of our common humanity liberates us from self- centered compulsions and inner hurts... It is the process of truly becoming human.”  Jean Vanier

 

I’ve been walking around worried this past week. Yesterday we had a test to see where we are with our language skills. I’m struggling with learning Azeri. I’m definitely the slowest one in my cluster. But I’m not surprised. I’m at about the same place I was learning Sesotho after working on it for a month. In Lesotho, I worked hard, it was slow going, I had tutoring after I got to my site and I eventually got it. But for some reason, over this past week, I had forgotten that. Outside of class, I spent many hours studying. I worried about this assessment. Which led to worry about other things: What if my language never gets decent enough for me to communicate with the youth? What if I can’t communicate with my colleagues? What if I make cultural mistakes and offend people. What if I don’t connect in my community? What if… what if the kids don’t like me? I went into that spiral of worries that turned into fears that in the end was all about me. I had forgotten the reason I had come to Azerbaijan. I had forgotten who I am.

 

Then yesterday, I as I was walking home, 2 little boys who are neighbors started walking with me with greetings of “Salam Merrill, Salam Merrill.” They talked a mile a minute and would periodically pause to hear me attempt a sentence or two in Azeri, giggle and correct my pronunciation and/or words I was using and go on. When we arrived home, there were 5 more kids shouting my name. They had a plastic ball and we played soccer for about 15 minutes (with them beating me of course) When we finished (it was getting dark) we all said goodbye and the smallest boy (maybe about 5) stuck his little hand in mine and dragged me up the stairs to my apartment. He ran off with a “sagol” (goodbye) and I went inside. I realized then that no matter what, everything would be ok. I will do the best I can to learn the language and whatever else PC teaches me. I will go to my site; I will make mistakes, have failures and successes. I will swallow my pride and ask PC and my fellow PCV’s for help when needed. I have no idea really what I’m in for.  But in the end, there will be youth to work with and to love the best I can. That is a common factor around the world. There are always kids to love. And I have an abundance of love to give… mistakes and all.

 

This journey of “self-centered compulsions and inner hurts” is a common journey for me. I forget who created me and walks with me. I forget why I am here (in Azerbaijan or anywhere else). I let my worries and pride take over. I start becoming more concerned with how I am doing and how others see me and forget all that I have…and all I have become. I forget the most important thing… and what I want the most is to love others as I have been loved. It took a little boy’s hand in mine to help me to remember what’s important. I’d like to believe that I won’t forget again what’s important. But I know me. I will forget. Maybe in 6 months or next month or next week. I take comfort knowing that when it happens again, there will always be another hand in mine reminding me of our common humanity and ultimately, what’s important.

 

Ok, a shift in topics. This Thursday and Friday are holidays. It is Gurban Bayram (the feast of sacrifice.) Im going to share with you what Peace Corps told us about the holiday:

“Gurban Bayram (Festival of Sacrifice) is one of the ancient religious holidays in Islam, celebrated in honor of the prophet Ibrahim's (Abraham) willingness to sacrifice his son as a proof of his loyalty to God (Allah). According to Muslims, the tradition is based on an event where Ibrahim was ordered to sacrifice one of his two sons. As Ibrahim was about to sacrifice his own son in obedience to God, God provided a ram to sacrifice instead.  The offering of a sacrifice has become an annual celebration to commemorate the occasion and thank God.

This is a festival when sacrificial sheep or other animals are slaughtered and the meat distributed to the poor, in memory of the ram sacrificed by Ibrahim in place of his son. According to Islamic rules, every Muslim who is wealthy enough to afford must sacrifice a farm animal for God.

The festival also marks the end of the Pilgrimage or Hajj to Mecca. The climax of Hajj is marked by offering a sacrifice, to celebrate the completion of the Hajj and feed the poor. It is done by Muslims, doesn’t matter whether they went to Mecca or not. On the festival day, thousands of sheep, goats, and calves will be slaughtered by Azerbaijanis celebrating Gurban Bayram. The animal should be at least one year old and healthy, you can see sheep sacrificed in all kinds of places: the garden, driveway, back yard, streets and even on balconies. The head of the family is expected to perform the sacrifice but a butcher is invited to perform the ritual on their behalf. The animal is given water and salt, its eyes are wrapped with a clean rag, and it is turned to face Mecca. Verses are recited from the Koran, and then the animal's throat is cut. The meat from the animal is then shared into at least 7 parts and given to the poor first, to the neighbors and relatives. The skin of the animal is donated.  Another tradition practiced is visiting the graves of deceased family members. That is mostly done one day prior to the festival. Therefore, the cemeteries are very crowded on that day. Friends, neighbors, and relatives visit each other celebrating the festival. Gurban Bayram is the most important religious festival of the year, it means recurring happiness or festivity, a day of peace and thanksgiving, a day of forgiveness and moral victory, a day of good harvest and remarkable achievements, and a day of festive remembrance. The general saying in Gurban Bayram when someone is given meat is “ALLAH qəbul eləsin.” (May God accept it) (I wonder if I’ll see a sacrifice of an animal?)

 

My language teacher says that this is a pretty big holiday and while some don’t participate in it, many do. (We only have half days for school. No technical training but still we have language) She reminded us that Azerbaijan has only been free of the Soviet Union for 20 years. During Soviet rule no religion of any kind was allowed. So Azerbaijan is happy to finally have the freedom to celebrate and practice Islam again. (This goes for the Orthodox and Jewish communities here as well) To all of my Azerbaijan friends, Happy Gurban Bayram. May God accept it!

 

The next post I do I think I will do about food. Let me know if you have any questions. I miss you all!!