UNCERTAINTY!

     I don't like uncertainty! Does anyone? I like to know what time I am going to work tomorrow. I like to know when my project deadlines are. I like to know when I'm going to meet up with my friends. And I always would like to know where I will be living in 4 months time.

     At this moment, I am living with uncertainty.I am a Peace Corps volunteer in the youth development sector in Azerbaijan. Last October, the youth development contract with Azerbaijan expired. The ministry here that we are under does not want to renew our contract and has asked us to leave 6 months early. I was originally supposed to leave in December. Now I have to be out of the country by June 30th.

     There may be options. The option I am pursuing is to switch to another sector. For this to happen, my current counterpart would need to fell out an application for the new sector, (she has) Peace Corps needs to support the switch, (they do) and the new ministry would need to be OK with having me under their jurisdiction. (they d...)?

     I like this option. I want to stay. I like where I live. I have a great work site with a wonderful counterpart. And most importantly, I get to work with the best youth!! I have projects to do that can only be done if I don't leave in June. There is a 3rd option. Transferring to another country...which I would do only if I can't stay here.

     This is a lot of uncertainty for me. As of July 1, what country will I be living in? What job will I be doing? For me, it's difficult to move forward in a positive way when I have no idea what my my life will be like in 4 months. To be completely honest, having little or no control is a little scary.

     But there are some things I've learned over the past 10 years or so which help:

1. I grow the most as a human being when I have little/no control. When this happens, I have a choice. I can freak out (which I have done a bit in this situation) or I can take a breath and know that no matter what happens, it will be OK.
2. Things always change. No matter how stressful, things will always, eventually change.
3. No matter what happens, God is good. He loves me no matter what and I always grow closer to Him in difficult times.

     No matter what work I do. where I live, what joys and struggles I face, home is where the heart is. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. My heart is with my friends... with the people I love and who love me no matter the circumstance.

     So, Azerbaijan.... another country... America...wherever...Life moves forward and more learning and loving awaits.

My group all together earlier this month.

The icicles melting in front of my house.

My living space.

A few people have asked about what my living space is like. Here it is.

My living space. 

The holidays in Azerbaijan.

Happy New Year!

One of the fountains in Sheki freezing over.

My first snowman

This is my washed sweatshirt after hanging outside all night... frozen!

 I hope you have all had a good start to the New Year.  I definitely missed all of you very much. Thanks so much for the Christmas packages, fb messages and Skyping. I know it’s a busy time of year and I really appreciate the time people took (and the expense with packages) to do all of those things. THANK YOU!!!

Today I was looking at the new pictures on the wall of my favorite people back home… while eating a piece of homemade jerky. Im so blessed to have such wonderful friends, but it also means that many of my favorite people are always thousands of miles away. The holiday season definitely makes that distance seem even longer and the twinge of homesickness slightly sharper.

The lights in Sheki came on about 5 days before New Years, so I’ve had a little extra spring in my step. But the holidays are always a little tricky abroad. Living in another country often feels like you’re being tugged in two totally opposite directions all the time. It’s tough balancing out how much I like living in Azerbaijan with all the people I love here…and how nice it would be to live in California near all the people I love there. The holidays are one of those times that makes it achingly obvious that there’s no clear or easy answer as to where I’d rather be.

A skinny shakta baba for New Years.

Why is the crocodile in this New Years display?

The New Year's tree in the city center.

For Thanksgiving, the American Embassy had all the  volunteers to Baku and hosted a huge dinner for us.. complete with Turkey and pumpkin pie. I was very blessed and was able to stay at the home of my new friends , one who is a teacher and one who works in the embassy. They opened their home to me and a friend, made us welcome and gave us a place to stay that was full of love…. And baconJ

This year, I shared Christmas with other PCV’s here in Sheki. It was fun, relaxing, beautiful and bittersweet. I had a huge touch of home as a friend Skyped me into the Christmas Eve service at my church. I made a tree out of paper (a big deal for me) and put my package from America under it. I loved it

My wonderful site mates hosted Christmas for alot of volunteers.

Everybody made something wonderful!

For New Years, I spent the night with my counterpart and her family. They were generous enough to share their family traditions with me and made me feel welcome!!  It was fun, relaxing, beautiful and bittersweet!!

I talked a lot about American holiday traditions with Azeri here. Sharing a tradition that’s so different also opens up fun conversations about some of the just ridiculous things about culture. Black Friday sales? Madness!! So while celebrating the holidays abroad is definitely bittersweet, it’s wonderful to sit down and recognize that even though it’s hard to live so far away from your friends, making new friends abroad and creating your own mixed-up international traditions is a great way of having a tiny piece of home with you. 

New Years at my wonderful counterparts house.

Fireworks on New Years Eve

Me and my counterpart's aunt.

HOLIDAY #2

This is my second Thanksgiving, Christmas in Azerbaijan. And... my groups one year anniversary. Its been a great year... a big roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. At times a little bit scary. But I love roller coasters and I know that when its finished, Im pumped and want to do it again.

Things I've learned so far in my first year in Azerbaijan:

1. Things will be better than you could have imagined:
There will be moments when you're sad, frustrated and alone. You think you can't stumble through another event without a public meltdown or mess up another important conversation because of your barely adequate language skills. There will be moments when you miss your friends and the ability to get a non fat peppermint mocha whenever you want it. There will be moments when you wonder why you would choose this life.

But for everyone of these experiences, you will have many more that are amazing. You will wake up to the fresh white snow making everything new. You will meet amazing people who become friends and challenge you. Your world view will expand by leaps and bounds.You will be shown kindness that will let you know that you are more than a stranger... you are welcome! You will laugh. You will be comforted in your tears. You will grow and change and become a better person.

2. I have learned how important it is to ask for help.
It's fine to ask for directions when you're on vacation... expected even.But in normal life, we tend to be pretty self-sufficient. We learn to do things like pump our own gas, eat watermelon by watching other people do it all our lives. Or failing that, searching for instructional YouTube videos. Either way, we can go it alone.

Not so much when your living in a different culture. No matter what there will be moments when you need to swallow your pride and ask for help with chores that back at home you wouldn't have blinked at. Like buying meat or hooking up the internet or washing clothes by hand for the first time. Its humbling, but you discover that asking for help when you need it is an extremely useful habit.

3. How to question the status-quo.
All those things you grew up thinking were written in stone? Forget about them. There is almost nothing you've learned that is incontestable. Everything from table manners to hygiene is culturally relevant. For example, growing up I had been taught that looking people in the eye is what you want to do. Here, I've been told its considered rude at times. Who knew? So its important to realize that all the little things you've learned that are a solid base for you, may be turned upside down. And once that happens you start to see that there are other, sometimes better ways to do things.

4. Just say yes.
There will be many times when you are completely out of your comfort zone. When you are asked to organize a camp during the hottest part of the summer... say yes. When your host family wants you to eat something that you would never eat at home...say yes. When one of your students asks you to dance with her at a huge public New Year's party, and no one else is dancing... say yes. These things will help you get out of yourself and be some of your best memories.

5.The importance of sharing a meal... or a cup of cay.
If there is enough for one, there is enough for two. Sharing a meal or cay with others can speed up your integration ten-fold.

6. Finding out the good, the bad, and the ugly about yourself.
Any bad habits that you had before that you couldn't see, come to light. Anything that makes you the person you are gets amplified. With any change in your life, you learn to adapt. And with this change you learn more clearly how your actions effect you and those around you.

I hope that I will learn as much during year 2. And I want to say thank you to all of my PCV friends here who are so supportive, fun to hang out with and make the experience a little easier. And to my friends in America, I wouldn't be here if not for you. Thanks so much.

Im going to end this post with something completely different. These are a few pictures of my walk home... a little glimpse into what Sheki looks like. If there's anything you'd like to know about, let me know. Talk to you next week
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                                                  At the city center looking at the Mosque.

Walking past the local park

The bus stop where I can catch a bus to the university.

Water run off that I pass everyday on the way home. I love the sound of rushing water

The water tower near my house. It is a landmark that tells me its time to turn.

Getting closer.

The street my house is on.

The beginning of the last hill going home

Getting closer

Mine is the last door on the left

I live in the upstairs of a two story. The windows are my kitchen.

This is the front door.

The yard facing away from the house, toward the toilet.

The landlords live on the bottom floor to the right. The stairs are going up to my place

In Azerbaijan, you take your shoes off before entering.

Inside my kitchen. That my petch which is my heat source in the winter. My petch is my best friend right now.

Beginning Again!

I haven’t blogged for a long time. I have wanted to, but every time I sit down to blog for the last few months, I just can’t do it. I don’t really think about it, I just walk away from the computer and say “next week.” Obviously that didn’t work. Today, I finally started to think about why I’m having trouble blogging this time. Whenever I sit down to blog and I try to think of what I want to share, I think “this is so boring, you don’t have anything interesting to say, no one will want to read this, it’s like when your uncle shows you 3 hours’ worth of pictures from the vacation you don’t want to see, you really can’t write…“  You get the picture. But then I reminded myself of why I want to blog. I want to blog because I have this amazing second chance to do something in my life that I love (work with kids) and I want to record it and share it with anyone interested. So I’ve decided to let go of the negative voices inside my head and just write. I will write/post once a week on Saturdays. If it’s not great or interesting.. That’s ok. It will be from my heart.  For now, Im off to meet with the wonderful kids I work with. Here’s a few pictures. Talk to you Saturday!

Sheki leadership camp this last summer with some of the village kids and kids from the local orphanage.

The Sheki site mates got together to celebrate "the day of the dead" on November 1. We made homemade bread with an orange glaze and enchiladas with mole. 

There is a 2% Jewish population in Azerbaijan. This is from a synagogue looking out to the Mosque across the river.

Where and what is home?

This isn't my first time as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I was in Africa from 2008-2010 in a tiny sub-Saharan country called Lesotho. At time, it was really, really tough. No plumbing, electricity, very little meat, internet only about once a month…. Isolated, lonely. There were times I wanted to give up and go home to California… to safe, known Folsom. But slowly, something happened. I fell in love with the youth, my host family, my village…and they came to slowly love me. (So I’d like to thinkJ) Lesotho and my little village of Ha Nkalimeng became home. And then I had to leave. Unexpectedly.  My heart broke just a little…ok, maybe a lot. I would probably never again see the people I loved and who loved me. So I went home feeling isolated, lonely. For the next 2 years I struggled to find my place, tried to figure out what to do. I grieved for the people in Lesotho. And slowly, I began to realize that I loved the youth and my family (Hi Staffords) and my friends who had seen me and put up with me through so much and my church and the people in my village of Folsom. And for some strange reason, they already loved me. Even despite the fact that I was grieving for another place… another people. A long time ago they “gave me a solid shelter that I take with me for my entire life wherever I go.” And then I left. Not unexpectedly, but I left to start anew here in Azerbaijan. And at times it’s been tough. However I do find myself falling in love with the youth, my host family, my large village of Sheki….

I’m sure that when I leave here in 2 years I will grieve the people I leave behind. But its wonderful… a blessing… to know that I will go back to the people that helped create that shelter, which I will carry with me wherever I go.

My host mom in Lesotho

My host sister (in white) and neighbors in Lesotho

The amazing family I live with in Folsom

The awesome youth I got to volunteer with.

The youth in Azerbaijan

My host family

OLD VS NEW

Azerbaijan is a country which is in transition… so it seems. I stopped at shop the other day to purchase a few things. There was an electronic cash register. The numbers were blinking at me brightly. But the shop keeper didn’t use the register. She used and old, beat up wooden abacus. Do you remember those? Some days when I pass one of the many local meat shops during my walk to the university, I see a cow tied up in front of the store on the sidewalk. Then later during my walk home the live cow is gone replaced by a fresh haunch of meat hanging on a hook and the cow’s head sitting in front of it. There are internet cafes, wireless internet and smart phones. (Which I've been told has become more common fairly recently) There is public transport with 30 year old buses that are falling apart and sometimes you can even see the ground moving through the holes on the floor. There are sleek, shiny nice new cars zipping around. There is the older generation of people who are trying to hold onto and practice traditional Azerbaijani ways. (And, 20 years post Soviet rule, there are younger people trying to recover those traditions also) And of course, there is a younger generation that wants to see the world and learn all the new technology. There is the capital city of Baku which is very western, and my little city of Sheki which is paved with cobblestones.

Baku

Sheki

 Azerbaijan is a country which has experienced new development and technology. But some people are afraid of losing the old ways. Some talk to me about old traditions that define them that are no longer being practiced. They are afraid of development swallowing the traditional ways.

Technology brings opens people up to the outside world. Good new practices come through contact with everyone else….and sometimes bad new practices infect the good of old ways. I am 7000 miles away from home and I’m grateful to new technology that allows me to “chat” and see peoples photos and know what is going on in their lives. I love being able to use Skype to talk to people for free face to face. But when I am home, sometimes I use these ways to communicate with the people I love because it is easier… I am lazy. I lose the fact that looking into a person’s face and seeing how they really are is more important than the convenience of technology. And I do admit, sometimes receiving a letter that I can hold onto and look at… knowing that the person took the time to write it and mail it… that can be priceless!!

Old vs new…. Which one is better?  I think both are valuable and can help us grow in our humanity. What do you think?